now

well its good to know that coming off something isnt as bad as I thought it would be, the only problem I had was last night when I coudln't sleep, I was wide awake with dilated pupils and hot/cold sweats. I'm glad I had a chance to experience it and I'm all the confident I wont go back.

Two weeks ago I had an asthma attack. It was the first time I'd ever had one. Normally when I'm ill I can usually get over things, I'm ill majorly once a year (last year it was tonsilitis, the year before it was bad cold/flu). This time however I was crippled in bed, taking in 1/4 less oxygen and having about the same less blood/oxygen count in my body. I could barely move. I went to the doctors complaining of a chest infection and was given amoxicilin to help battle it, two days later no improvement. Second visit to the doctor (different one this time!) I was rushed to the nurse and was told how I should of dialled 999 instead of driving to the doctors. I was put on a nebulizer which helped my lungs a little and was given steroids to promote growth in my lungs (and cause me to be majorly moody). This is the first big deal that i've ever had with my body, it's strange how from now on every time I feel a slight twinge, or a pain in my chest I have something to blame, like "oh its my asthma". I feel itentified as an asthmatic, I feel disabled, like I may not be able to do certain things without provoking it, things I'll have to find out for myself. They say you change every seven years, and I'm nearly 21.

A combination between the first paragraph and the second has made me think so much about death. I'm always thinking about death, fearing it just as much. Like how I've already lived a quarter of my life at least and I haven't even got a college degree. I took my time for granted and am now left with little option for a future, unless I do something about it now. One thing thats especially been upsetting me is how I treat my parents. Yesterday mum took me for lunch at a nice pub in South Walsham where I had a cheese and bacon pannini (which was lush) unfortunately for some reason I had no energy and I wanted to participate in conversation but my brain couldn't think of anything to say. It was just a quick eat & go. Mum wanted to spend some quality time with me and I felt like I sent my body with her and left my personality behind. I wish I made it more of an enjoyable day for her. It made me think about how much my parents do for me. Simple things like "would you like a cup of tea" and "i've put your clean clothes in the cupboard" and "yes you may borrow my car" I take for granted. How I can be a compelete arse to them and because I'm their son the next day it will all be forgotten and we'll be friends again. They are such great people who have acheived great things in their life and I am not. I dont want them to die, ever. I dont want to die. I hate thinking about it :'( x

Day three is weird, sleep should be back to normal by tonight but I cant help having this feeling that I want something, like im always hungry but not, really thursty but nothings helping. Almost like itching for something

Be over soon

or at least i used to....

I feel like I'm drifting through the sky
Through the heavens I can hear your voice I feel
Alive
Your everything that I want you to be
You give me all the strength I need
Cause baby I'm in free fall with you

I'm skydivin'

Vista!

I've finally moved on, ive upgraded somewhat and I'm also seeing things in a completely different resolution to before. For once I'm talking about my computer. Thanks to woody giving me some spare parts from his old comps i now have a pretty beasty computer setup, also thanks to hannah for her monitor.



now listen to this ^

So what have I done recently? Well last fiscal week from work (wednesday - wednesday) i worked 38.5 hours which means i do the work of a full timer now, this is good as it means im not bored and I can also save money easier. I'm managing to still have cash left over from the week before in my pocket which is a first, I think im doing well budgeting.

I've been spending a lot of time at woody's, this isnt a bad thing because I dont know anyone else who I can talk to about computers (being my main hobby) to who actually understands me. Its a shame his quad-core blew up though...damn semprons just aint good enough. Fun times are had at woodys but I cant help getting slightly jealous over the attention he gets from girls, lol.

couple of weekends ago I went down the gay barrr and met up with bex then woody and zoe turned up and it turns out nearly everyone who was sitting at the table went to caister high school too xD

i spoke to lois on the phone and wow, i never realised i missed her that much

and i got high/lost in some trees near hannahs xD

you have to have done something enough times to know it inside out
to know the onset, the climax and the downward spiral afterwards
i wish i had her here, her can be anyone because i would listen to her
when she'd say no, stop
i would stop
when she'd say do this for me
i'd do it without question
because unfortunately the voice inside my head which normally does that, hasn't done for years
and yet its been so long
how do i start again


atleast he got my message, i just hope he understands


i cant stop crying tonight x

Blonds

4. taylor swift

3. her from eastenders

2. rose tyler

1. cassie

carpet

People take the piss. You let them walk over you in the slightest way and they'll trample you to death. You do them one favour and they'll never forget it, nor will they hesitate to let you do one more for them.

I've had enough really
but I bet it doesnt stop